I don't post many life stories here, I mostly keep that to myself, but I've been bottling this up for so long, I thought maybe I should share my thoughts and see if you all can relate.
I just finished my last days of art school at the end of April and I'm 2 weeks into the job search and it's been a real uphill battle. Though i think it's mostly internal issues I have to deal with myself. The pressure to succeed from myself and my family is immense and at times unbearable. I come from a non artistic family who supported my decision not because they wanted to but because they had to. They actively discouraged me from the beginning, and almost convinced me to change paths, but in the end I realized I knew what was right for me. Every time I interact with my parents I get asked the same neurotic questions, and every now and then their worries are pushed onto me and they don't realize it. They never fail to remind me of all the mistakes I made, opening up wounds that are still in the healing process. As if stressing about my own future wasn't hard enough, but I also had to deal with them constantly comparing themselves with their friends and using me as a way to measure their successes of those of their peers. They tried to be supportive, but I can tell its a big challenge for them, a challenge I'm not sure they're capable of facing, though I would definitely like to make it easier for them. My values and the values of my family clash so much, the older I grow the more I see that. What's worse is that I'm worried if I don't find a job in my field fast enough, I won't even have to wait long before I hear them pushing me to give up my goals for something I know I won't love, and thus excel in. Problem is being emotionally drained leads to being physically drained, which actually leads to wasted time I could use on art.
If I have to evaluate my situation purely on a financial perspective, it's not that desperate; I may not be rich bit I don't have debt and my parents haven't kicked me out yet, and I've been building savings and good spending habits for years so even if I get kicked out I can survive for a while. I'm even getting my comic Pseudo (tapastic.com/series/Pseudo-Win…
) published and serialized. However I feel like sometimes I can't even feel good about my accomplishments and artistic improvements for more than mere moments because I haven't landed that big studio job yet. My family doubted me from the beginning, and so do their friends who reaffirm my parents insecurities. They feel that my accomplishments mean very little and my few mistakes are grand. So I have to pretend to be confident to their face to make sure they're support with strings attached paid off, while working on my own issues. Sometimes I just want to move out before I find a job and live on my savings, but that seems too drastic and would leave me to being vulnerable to more problems, I feel suffocated and trapped. Despite how far I've come, all the learning and growing I've done, never have I thought I would be capable of being so unhappy.
Now that I've spilled out my grievances, I'd like to count my blessings. All I know is that I love what I do, I've kept growing and I will always keep growing. I'm liking my art more and more now and seeing the world and appreciating learning itself. Even when things are tough I'll never give up in order to reach new creative heights no matter how difficult things get for me. I do have an amazing support group and mentors of creatives and non creatives who understand me perfectly, and it feels so damn good. I managed to graduate, don't have to worry about assignments that aren't related to my career anymore. If I haven't felt so much tension and unhappiness I wouldn't be able to feel so much relief. I feel a little better after writing this, so I'm off to work on my portfolio now which can be found here: peiweili.com/
. Thanks for reading.